30th Confession

I try to be a thankful person, but sometimes, even I miss it.  I suppose it's fair to say that most people are thankful for the good things in their life; however, some people miss the good things by looking for better things.

For example, most parents love most of their kids most of the time.  I think it's natural, in most cases.  I also know how aggravating it can be to raise a child: Edan has driven me to greater depths of patience than I ever thought were possible.  But I have never, ever ever wanted to give my boy away.  That thought is completely alien to me; why would I want to give away the sweetest, most precious child I know?  There are times when I have to rein in my temper, there are times I hold my hand back from slapping three kinds of white off of him, there are even times I'm tempted to lock myself away from him for his preservation; however, there is NEVER a time when I want him out of my life.

In that vein, I completely detest parents who, even jokingly, offer up their child for adoption.  Hear my heart clearly on this: there are times and circumstances where it is the only possible solution.  Maybe the parent can't afford a child because of their circumstances; I appreciate and applaud that.  I came from such a background, and I can only hope that it was an agonizing choice for my mother and father to deliver me into the great unknown.  I know that for every principle, there are at least thirty to fifty extenuating circumstances, exceptions, contradictions, and all kinds of cases to not hold to the principle: fine fine fine, whatever.  But...

I've seen cases where the parent doesn't seem to care about where their child goes.  I've seen times where the parent can't wait to get away from their child, and desperately pawns them off onto whoever happens to be available.  I've seen parents who joke about sending their child to military school at age four.  I've listened to parent bitch and moan about how their child is abusive or disrespectful, while they model abusive or disrespectful behaviors in public.  I've observed the most out of control children, and their parents, and come to the conclusion that the apple doesn't fall from the tree.

Most of the parents who joke about sending their children away have never lost a child.  I can tell this, because losing a child punches a hole in your reality that never goes away.  There's this void there, where your child is supposed to be, and there's an ache in your bones -- an unsettling "not right"-ness -- that casts a pallor over everything in your life.  The pain never fades completely.  Your eyes never adjust to where your child is supposed to be.  You become keenly aware of how short life is, and how unfair it is that everyone else that you know has healthy kids.  No amount of tears ever cleanses your eyes from seeing their corpse; there is no moan or scream of anguish that can be sounded deep enough from your soul to express your loss.

And I wonder: how many of these same parents, who don't have time to listen to their child, who get frustrated by their child's persistence, who regularly wish their child away - what if that wish came true?  What if Johnny no longer spoke to you about Toy Story or Iron Man in excited, fragmented tones?  What if Sonia's incessant singing were hushed, permanently? 

I have a theory about people: the ones who have a "good" life, one seemingly without care or worry, are also the ones that couldn't handle half of the muck that I've slogged through in my life.  The ones that curse their job haven't really been ever unemployed.  The ones who can't stand their children haven't been hurt by the loss of one.  The ones that can't eat anything except "like what mother made" have never been truly hungry.  And may God bless and keep them that way, because the alternative is painful.

So if you're reading this, take a minute and hug your kids.  Listen to them, despite their inability to speak clearly and at your level.  Love them with all that remains of your broken, world-weary heart, because they sure as hellfire love you with all of theirs. 

Don't curse what has been given to you as a blessing.